Obviously this post is written tongue-in-cheek, but these are all things I've caught myself doing. It's funny how they sound terrible in print but can seem so righteous when they're being done. Dare I say hypocrisy?
1.If he does not express his feelings very often, assume that he has none.
2.Never do anything without expecting something in return, even if it's just the pleasure of correcting him when he fails to say "Thank-you."
3.Never do anything for him or the kids without recording it in the mental notebook that you take out during all arguments.
4.If you're not 100% sure what his motives are, assume the worst.
5.After carrying out #4, spend some time dwelling on these heinous motives and don't forget to meditate on what a good wife you are.
6.If you realize that he's right during a disagreement, don't admit it. Just find something else to fight about.
7.Criticize him in front of his family.
8.When you have a problem with something he did, address him like you're a lawyer delivering your summation to the jury.
9.Refuse to tell him why you're mad and then get mad at him for not talking about it.
10.If you're feeling down, assume it's his fault and come up with the twisted logic to prove it.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Uncomfortable with Holy Thursday in prison?
Pope Francis celebrating Holy Thursday Mass in a juvenile prison makes me uncomfortable - uncomfortable with how little I reach out to those most in need. Uncomfortable with the fact that "meaning" to donate to charity so often turns into forgetting to donate. Uncomfortable because the clothes I bagged up for C-Cap are STILL sitting in a trash bag in my laundry room not doing anyone any good! Uncomfortable with how easily I bask comfortably in the "piety" and "orthodoxy" of my life.
But it does not just make me uncomfortable; it's also inspiring. It reminds me of how Jesus both made people uncomfortable and inspired them by forcing them to think about those they had written off. Think lepers, tax collectors, prostitutes, Samaritans, adulterous women. Pope Francis is doing the same thing for us.
I'm very good at coming up with the things I can't do because I don't have the time, I can't afford it, or it's not compatible with my vocation. When it comes to thinking about what I can do, that's where I fall short. Here are some new resolutions and I'm hoping that sharing them will help me to follow through. :-)
Give to charity with the same consistency and regularity that we pay our mortgage. Setting up monthly credit/debit cards payments is the way to go for me.
Bring the bag of clothes to C-Cap the next time I go out!
Put a few dollars in an envelope every time I treat myself or my family and give it to the Pregnancy Center next Easter.
Make a point of celebrating Christmas with a visit to a nursing home. Maybe bring goodies and homemade cards.
Most importantly, be open to new ways that I'm being called to give and keep paying attention to our wonderful new pope!
But it does not just make me uncomfortable; it's also inspiring. It reminds me of how Jesus both made people uncomfortable and inspired them by forcing them to think about those they had written off. Think lepers, tax collectors, prostitutes, Samaritans, adulterous women. Pope Francis is doing the same thing for us.
I'm very good at coming up with the things I can't do because I don't have the time, I can't afford it, or it's not compatible with my vocation. When it comes to thinking about what I can do, that's where I fall short. Here are some new resolutions and I'm hoping that sharing them will help me to follow through. :-)
Give to charity with the same consistency and regularity that we pay our mortgage. Setting up monthly credit/debit cards payments is the way to go for me.
Bring the bag of clothes to C-Cap the next time I go out!
Put a few dollars in an envelope every time I treat myself or my family and give it to the Pregnancy Center next Easter.
Make a point of celebrating Christmas with a visit to a nursing home. Maybe bring goodies and homemade cards.
Most importantly, be open to new ways that I'm being called to give and keep paying attention to our wonderful new pope!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Paying attention to popes
The Pope resigning has a lot of impact on someone like me who can't stand admitting that something is beyond my capability. And now that Benedict XVI has resigned, I realize that I should have been listening more closely to what he's taught by his words and actions over the past eight years. I only recently read one of his encyclicals - the one on the love of God - and was struck by how it meets the reader where she or he is. Somewhere along the way, the concept of God actually loving me had gotten buried under my preoccupations with worry, rules, and general worldliness. The words of the encyclical were a powerful reminder.
John Paul II became pope before I was born, so to me he "was" the pope in the same way that DC is the capital. I still haven't really gotten used to the fact that he is not the pope, or that the pope is not he, and this might be why I had not been as "tuned in" to Pope Benedict as I should have. As part of an effort to do better, the girls and I visited the "Adopt a Cardinal" website.
The website suggests praying to Holy Spirit before clicking "Enter" and getting your cardinal. I did it but did not think it was possible for us to get a cardinal that would have any personal meaning for me. The cardinal it gave us was Stanislaw Dziwisz. I was so surprised - I did "know" him, but I hadn't realized he was a cardinal.
Since he died, I've had more and more of a devotion to Blessed John Paul II. No matter how badly things are going or much I am failing, I'm always comfortable praying to him. I know in my mind that none of the saints will hate or shun me, but sometimes I don't feel that way, which makes it harder to pray. John Paul II, though, is so real to me, and I have seen how he treats each person with love, even - so I tell myself - people that are worse than me. Now that he has died, he is still one of the strongest supports for my faith and one of the most helpful reminders of God's mercy.
Getting back to Cardinal Dziwisz..........because of this devotion, I ordered a book about Pope John Paul II written by the monsignor who had been his secretary, Stanislaw Dziwisz. So for me, the computer randomly selecting Cardinal Dziwisz was a message of love from one of my favorite "Blesseds" and a reminder to give both the new pope and the Pope Emeritus my full attention.
John Paul II became pope before I was born, so to me he "was" the pope in the same way that DC is the capital. I still haven't really gotten used to the fact that he is not the pope, or that the pope is not he, and this might be why I had not been as "tuned in" to Pope Benedict as I should have. As part of an effort to do better, the girls and I visited the "Adopt a Cardinal" website.
The website suggests praying to Holy Spirit before clicking "Enter" and getting your cardinal. I did it but did not think it was possible for us to get a cardinal that would have any personal meaning for me. The cardinal it gave us was Stanislaw Dziwisz. I was so surprised - I did "know" him, but I hadn't realized he was a cardinal.
Since he died, I've had more and more of a devotion to Blessed John Paul II. No matter how badly things are going or much I am failing, I'm always comfortable praying to him. I know in my mind that none of the saints will hate or shun me, but sometimes I don't feel that way, which makes it harder to pray. John Paul II, though, is so real to me, and I have seen how he treats each person with love, even - so I tell myself - people that are worse than me. Now that he has died, he is still one of the strongest supports for my faith and one of the most helpful reminders of God's mercy.
Getting back to Cardinal Dziwisz..........because of this devotion, I ordered a book about Pope John Paul II written by the monsignor who had been his secretary, Stanislaw Dziwisz. So for me, the computer randomly selecting Cardinal Dziwisz was a message of love from one of my favorite "Blesseds" and a reminder to give both the new pope and the Pope Emeritus my full attention.
Monday, February 25, 2013
To despise myself and want others to despise me?
The title is "inspired" by a book of daily meditations, a good book on the whole, but one that urges the reader to "despise yourself and to want others to despise you" - words that are written in the context of growing closer to God.
This advice grated on me, but I can remember trying to manufacture these sentiments. What a bad idea!
Despising myself never got me anywhere.......other than farther away from God. Why is despising myself the right thing to do? I'm one of God's creatures, loved by Him. Why would I want others to despise me? Shouldn't I want everyone to answer Christ's call to love? I don't want people to despise me; I want them to love me. And I want to grow in love for the people who come into my life. Those who go around "despising" are not happy or holy, so why would any Christian wish this behavior on someone?
Undoubtedly, my sins are ugly, and even more so than I realize. Despising my sins helps me love God and others, as well as myself. Despising myself doesn't do anything for anyone. I am not my sins; people are not defined by their sins unless they choose to be. "Love the sinner and hate the sin" is great advice - and it applies to ourselves, too.
This advice grated on me, but I can remember trying to manufacture these sentiments. What a bad idea!
Despising myself never got me anywhere.......other than farther away from God. Why is despising myself the right thing to do? I'm one of God's creatures, loved by Him. Why would I want others to despise me? Shouldn't I want everyone to answer Christ's call to love? I don't want people to despise me; I want them to love me. And I want to grow in love for the people who come into my life. Those who go around "despising" are not happy or holy, so why would any Christian wish this behavior on someone?
Undoubtedly, my sins are ugly, and even more so than I realize. Despising my sins helps me love God and others, as well as myself. Despising myself doesn't do anything for anyone. I am not my sins; people are not defined by their sins unless they choose to be. "Love the sinner and hate the sin" is great advice - and it applies to ourselves, too.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
"Beer with Jesus"
"....a beer with Jesus..." The words coming from the radio caught my attention, and my scrupulous evil twin reached over and turned it off.
The song didn't get another thought and that was the end of it, until Tom asked days later if I was really sure it was wrong to want to have a beer with Jesus. As he mentioned, that's basically what the apostles did, except it was wine (which I like better anyway!) This was the start of a thought-provoking conversation and some time spent thinking about how I tend to approach God vs. how He chose to approach us.
So the next time the song came on, I listened all the way through........and ended up loving it. It might not be theologically perfect on all points (nor am I attempting to give all Thomas Rhett songs an Imprimatur!) but this one is really worth hearing and pondering.
The idea of having Jesus here, in 2013, sitting down for a chat (regardless of what we're having to drink!) at first seems to me childish or even irreverent.......but then, that is what He did - just in a different "messed up" age. At times that my faith has been shaky, this image of Jesus is the one that's been farthest from my mind.
Philosophical arguments aren't that helpful when I'm trying to fight back the image of God as "someone who lets terrible things happen." I may never really understand this issue or grasp why He saved us through His own torture and death. Embracing the fact it's my understanding that is lacking, not His love, is the answer, but getting there can be hard.
Remembering that Jesus did become an actual Person - a Person who ate, and drank, and talked with His friends - and that He did choose to save us through pain and death, helps me to keep faith and sanity when "bad things" happen or when the news is full of events that make me sick to my stomach. And yes, when it's hard to keep believing and trusting, I think sitting down and having a talk and drink with Jesus is what most of us really want to do!
The song didn't get another thought and that was the end of it, until Tom asked days later if I was really sure it was wrong to want to have a beer with Jesus. As he mentioned, that's basically what the apostles did, except it was wine (which I like better anyway!) This was the start of a thought-provoking conversation and some time spent thinking about how I tend to approach God vs. how He chose to approach us.
So the next time the song came on, I listened all the way through........and ended up loving it. It might not be theologically perfect on all points (nor am I attempting to give all Thomas Rhett songs an Imprimatur!) but this one is really worth hearing and pondering.
The idea of having Jesus here, in 2013, sitting down for a chat (regardless of what we're having to drink!) at first seems to me childish or even irreverent.......but then, that is what He did - just in a different "messed up" age. At times that my faith has been shaky, this image of Jesus is the one that's been farthest from my mind.
Philosophical arguments aren't that helpful when I'm trying to fight back the image of God as "someone who lets terrible things happen." I may never really understand this issue or grasp why He saved us through His own torture and death. Embracing the fact it's my understanding that is lacking, not His love, is the answer, but getting there can be hard.
Remembering that Jesus did become an actual Person - a Person who ate, and drank, and talked with His friends - and that He did choose to save us through pain and death, helps me to keep faith and sanity when "bad things" happen or when the news is full of events that make me sick to my stomach. And yes, when it's hard to keep believing and trusting, I think sitting down and having a talk and drink with Jesus is what most of us really want to do!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
The unmentionable "m" word
Before you figure out what the post is about and quickly exit, let me say that its NOT about what I think people should wear or how long or short skirts should be. The mention of the "m" issue is enough to generate a lively, if not heated, conversation in many circles, which might be why lots of people keep their thoughts on it to themselves.
That being said, the opinions about "m" that I do hear are often in one of two categories.
I'm not sure that society has ever had a view of "m" based on a real understanding of women and men and even of humanity in general. For me, some of the most healthy and helpful words about "m" are in Love and Responsibility written by Blessed John Paul II before he became pope. He says -
"What is truly immodest in dress is that which frankly contributes to the deliberate displacement of the true value of the person by sexual values, that which is bound to elicit a reaction to the person as to 'a possible means of obtaining sexual enjoyment' and not 'a possible object of love by reason of his or her personal value.' The principle is simple and obvious, but its application in specific cases depends upon the individual, the milieu, the society. Dress is always a social question, a function of (healthy or unhealthy) social customs. We must simply stress that although considerations of an aesthetic nature may seem to be decisive here they are not and cannot be the only ones; considerations of an ethical nature exist side by side with them. Man, alas, is not such a perfect being that the sight of the body of another person, especially a person of the other sex, can arouse in him merely a disinterested liking which develops into an innocent affection. In practice it also arouses concupiscence, or a wish to enjoy concentrated on sexual values with no regard for the value of the person. And this must be taken into account."
He further writes -
"If then we wish to pass a moral judgment on particular forms of dress we have to start from the particular functions which they serve. When a person uses such a form of dress in accordance with its objective function we cannot claim to see anything immodest in it...Whereas the use of such a costume outside its proper context is immodest...For example, there is nothing immodest about the use of a bathing costume at a bathing place, but to wear it in the street or while out for a walk is contrary to the dictates of modesty."
John Paul II has written so much more that is relevant to the "m" issue - and that goes much deeper - but these quotes are great food for thought and a starting point for getting away from extremes.
One last observation is that, to some degree, everyone probably bases their decisions about "m" on their own experiences, outlook, and temptations (or lack thereof). It's not just that men and women tend to have substantially different outlooks, but this seems to vary a lot even from one individual to another, regardless of gender. For me, this is a reminder to avoid judging people for what they wear and that it's worth going through the extra inconvenience of trying to be "m" out of love for others.
That being said, the opinions about "m" that I do hear are often in one of two categories.
- After hearing their thoughts or reading the quotes, I feel like a walking, talking instrument of Satan, an occasion of sin that needs to be swathed in layers of shapeless fabric lest an unsuspecting man be dragged into the pit of hell.............No, they don't come out and say that, but it's a negative, "can't be too careful," burden on the women approach.
- People should wear whatever they like, whatever is in style; it's up to those around them to keep their minds pure and clean.
I'm not sure that society has ever had a view of "m" based on a real understanding of women and men and even of humanity in general. For me, some of the most healthy and helpful words about "m" are in Love and Responsibility written by Blessed John Paul II before he became pope. He says -
"What is truly immodest in dress is that which frankly contributes to the deliberate displacement of the true value of the person by sexual values, that which is bound to elicit a reaction to the person as to 'a possible means of obtaining sexual enjoyment' and not 'a possible object of love by reason of his or her personal value.' The principle is simple and obvious, but its application in specific cases depends upon the individual, the milieu, the society. Dress is always a social question, a function of (healthy or unhealthy) social customs. We must simply stress that although considerations of an aesthetic nature may seem to be decisive here they are not and cannot be the only ones; considerations of an ethical nature exist side by side with them. Man, alas, is not such a perfect being that the sight of the body of another person, especially a person of the other sex, can arouse in him merely a disinterested liking which develops into an innocent affection. In practice it also arouses concupiscence, or a wish to enjoy concentrated on sexual values with no regard for the value of the person. And this must be taken into account."
He further writes -
"If then we wish to pass a moral judgment on particular forms of dress we have to start from the particular functions which they serve. When a person uses such a form of dress in accordance with its objective function we cannot claim to see anything immodest in it...Whereas the use of such a costume outside its proper context is immodest...For example, there is nothing immodest about the use of a bathing costume at a bathing place, but to wear it in the street or while out for a walk is contrary to the dictates of modesty."
John Paul II has written so much more that is relevant to the "m" issue - and that goes much deeper - but these quotes are great food for thought and a starting point for getting away from extremes.
One last observation is that, to some degree, everyone probably bases their decisions about "m" on their own experiences, outlook, and temptations (or lack thereof). It's not just that men and women tend to have substantially different outlooks, but this seems to vary a lot even from one individual to another, regardless of gender. For me, this is a reminder to avoid judging people for what they wear and that it's worth going through the extra inconvenience of trying to be "m" out of love for others.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The real future
Even in my very early twenties, the "me" I pictured in the future was a tall blond with long, thick hair........about the time we got married was when the reality struck that I was who I was, and my only hope for a gorgeous head of hair was an expensive wig! Oddly enough, that's not the only time that my vision of the future has been just a bit off.The career woman or amazing homemaker has been replaced by someone who's still in PJ's at 4pm because she's trying to work on the computer every minute the baby is asleep! When dinner and I are both ready on time, Tom is sometimes running late. And when I have neither gotten dressed nor put the frozen pizzas in the oven, he sometimes gets home early. Not having totally accepted my failure to live up to my own ideal, panic sets in. Then a mad dash to swap pajama pants for jeans, lock myself in the bathroom, and see what lipstick, hairspray and perfume can do in the 60 seconds it takes him to get from the car to the house!
I was also someone who wasn't going to change my ways simply because I had children. When I needed new clothes, I'd spend a couple hours picking out my outfit, fixing and touching up my hair, and applying makeup (half hour minimum on this part alone). Then I'd spend the day at the mall with a friend, get something to eat, and then shop some more. How drastically things have changed really struck me yesterday. In the vicinity of Target with about 10 minutes to spare before picking up the girls from school, I ran in with Tommy, grabbed four shirts off the clearance rack, paid, and zipped over to the carpool line. (Surprisingly, they all fit.......help from the guardian angel perhaps!)
Hopefully, my goals for the future are more realistic (and less materialistic) now, but I'm sure grateful for these funny memories that help keep it light!
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